The Stories We Tell Ourselves (…and how confirmation bias makes them seem true)

We are storytellers.

Every day, often without realising it, we create internal narratives about who we are, what we’re capable of, and how others see us. These stories shape how we feel and how we respond to life — and they gain even more power when confirmation bias comes into play.

What is confirmation bias?

It’s the brain’s natural tendency to notice and trust information that supports our existing beliefs — while ignoring or dismissing anything that doesn’t. So if your story is “I’m not good enough,” your brain will collect evidence to back that up, like a mistake you made — while filtering out anything that contradicts it. Other unhelpful stories might sound like: “No one really likes me” or “Things never work out for me.”

These stories become the lens through which we see the world, shaping how we interpret events, conversations, and even our self-worth. The more we tell the story, the more we notice things that fit it — and the more “true” it feels.

But what we think isn’t always true — familiar stories are often just what we’ve got used to telling ourselves.

The good news is that we can always choose to change the story.

Here are some gentle steps to start noticing and shifting those internal narratives:

1. Ask yourself: “What story am I telling myself here?”
   When you feel anxious or self-critical, pause for a moment. Can you tune into the narrative running under the surface? Naming familiar beliefs as stories gives us the power to question them.
   (You might also ask: “When did I decide that?” or “Did I ever not believe this?”)

2. Notice how you’re collecting evidence.
   Are you only paying attention to things that support your story, while ignoring the rest? Be mindful of thoughts that include absolutes like “always” or “never” — real life and real people are rarely that black and white.

3. Can you step back and see a fuller picture?
   Are there any alternative interpretations? Can you think of any evidence that challenges your story? Writing these ideas down can be a powerful way to start reshaping your story.

4. Can you add a little kindness?
   Try something like: “Sometimes I do struggle, but I’m doing my best and learning as I go.” This might feel clunky at first — that’s completely normal. If you’re finding it hard, ask yourself how you might speak to a good friend or loved one in a similar situation. New habits often feel unfamiliar at the start, and practice really helps.

If you’d like support in exploring the stories that shape your life — and in discovering what else might be possible — feel free to get in touch.

Remember: thoughts are not facts.

You have the right to question the story — and even write a new one.