Can We Still Love Someone Who’s Gone?
Grief is the process of adjusting to loss.
Throughout our lives, we all face many kinds of losses, such as a job, a home or a relationship. Most of us, however, will experience the loss of the people and animals we love most deeply. These are often the most painful and challenging losses to live through.
Although I’ll speak mainly about bereavement here, loss can take many forms — through illness, estrangement, or other changes — and often brings similar emotions and experiences.
Every Loss Is Unique
Each loss is a different experience. While it is often painful, loss can also bring feelings of release or even relief. How we grieve is entirely individual, shaped by the nature and depth of our relationship with the person or animal who has left us.
Because of this uniqueness, there can never be any set “rules” for grief. What can help, however, is to explore some general ways of thinking about how we might support ourselves through such difficult times.
Continuing Bonds: Loving in Absence
For many of us, an important part of grieving is learning how to maintain a new kind of relationship with the person or animal who has died — one in which love continues, even in their absence.
This idea, sometimes called continuing bonds, recognises that our relationship doesn’t end with death; it changes form. For some, this connection is felt most keenly on significant dates such as birthdays, anniversaries or holidays. For others, it becomes a more constant and quiet presence woven through daily life.
Finding Ways to Stay Connected
Often, expressing this ongoing relationship in tangible ways can bring comfort and a sense of closeness. This might include:
Wearing something that reminds you of them — a scarf, a piece of jewellery, or something they once wore.
Keeping a pet’s collar, identity tag, or favourite blanket nearby.
Visiting a grave or special place that holds shared memories.
Doing something you enjoyed together — a walk, a visit to a favourite café, or a quiet moment with a familiar drink.
Creating a memory box, album, or small display of photos and cherished objects.
Writing to your loved one, speaking their name, or cooking a meal they enjoyed.
There is no right or wrong way to honour this bond. What matters is what feels genuine and comforting to you.
The Healing Power of Connection
Not everyone will want or need to express their grief outwardly, but where these ongoing connections are found, research shows they can reduce distress and increase positive emotions. Finding what feels meaningful may take time, and your sense of connection may change — becoming stronger, softer, or different altogether — as you move through your grief.
Grief is never about forgetting. It’s about learning how to carry love in a new way.
