Crying in Counselling

“What if I cry in counselling?”

It’s a common worry. Lots of us have expectations about counselling. Some of these might relate to if, when or how we might cry in the counselling room, and what that might mean about us or the counselling process.

Some of us might worry that we will lose control, embarrass ourselves, or wonder what our counsellor will think. Sometimes we might worry that if we start crying, we won't be able to stop.

The truth is, there is no right or wrong way to be in a counselling room.

We all experience and express emotion differently

The way we respond emotionally is as individual as we are. Some of us cry frequently, some occasionally, and some rarely. You might cry throughout an entire counselling session, or you might never shed a tear.

All of these responses are human, and they’re all valid.

Our relationship with crying can be influenced by our family, culture, upbringing and the messages we have received about expressing emotion. Some may view crying as a sign of vulnerability, and others see tears as a sign of strength.

There is also personal preference. Some people feel comfortable crying in front of others, while someone else may prefer to keep their tears private, or may experience crying as exposing or uncomfortable.

Counselling is about finding ways to express and respond to what is true for you. It isn't about learning to respond in a particular “correct” way.

So, why do we cry?

We cry for many different reasons, and crying can accompany many different emotions – sadness, grief, frustration, fear, overwhelm, relief, love and even joy.

Crying is a physical response as well as an emotional one. When we experience strong emotion, our bodies can respond in lots of different ways. We might feel hot or cold, sweaty or shaky, experience tightness in our chest or a lump in our throat, or we might feel tearful.

There is some evidence that crying may sometimes play a role in helping us regulate ourselves following strong emotion. Changes in things like heart rate and breathing around episodes of crying suggest that, for some people, crying may be part of a calming or self-soothing process.

For some people, crying brings a sense of relief. It may help us feel calmer, or allow something that has been difficult to put into words to be expressed.

Crying can also communicate something to the people around us. Sometimes tears can signal that we are struggling, need comfort, or simply need someone to stay with us while we experience something difficult.

However, crying doesn't always make us feel better straight away. Sometimes we might feel calmer afterwards. At other times, we might feel tired, drained, exposed or even more emotional for a while. The experience of crying is different for everyone, and can depend on the person, the situation and what happens in response to crying.

What might crying mean in counselling?

Crying in counselling can happen for all sorts of reasons.

It might be connected to something that has just been talked about. It might be connected to something from the past. You might cry because you've finally said something out loud that you've been holding inside for a long time.

You might cry because you feel sad, frightened, angry, relieved or overwhelmed. You might even find yourself crying without being quite sure why.

Crying can sometimes be part of emotional processing. It can accompany moments when we are allowing ourselves to experience something that has previously felt difficult to approach, or when something feels particularly important or painful.

What will my counsellor think?

I see crying as just one of the ways we might express emotion. For me, it’s a natural human response and not something that needs to be stopped, explained or apologised for.

What’s important to me is supporting you in whatever way you need in that moment:

• perhaps you want to continue talking

• perhaps you need a few moments of quiet

• perhaps you want to talk about what has brought up the emotion

• or perhaps you would like to focus on something else now, and come back to it another time

We can simply notice what is happening and work with it together.

And what if you don't cry?

Not crying doesn't mean someone isn't feeling something deeply.

Some people experience and communicate emotion in ways that don't involve tears. You might talk, become quiet, laugh, sigh, move, or notice sensations in your body. Some people find that crying feels inaccessible or uncomfortable. For others, holding back tears may have been an important way of coping or feeling safe.

Tears aren't a measure of how much someone is feeling, nor of how well counselling is working or how “in touch” someone is with their emotions.

You don't have to apologise for crying

It’s common to apologise when we cry – sometimes it just feels automatic.

But you don't need to apologise for having an emotional response in counselling. You haven't done anything wrong.

Counselling is a space where there should be room for the whole range of human experience – including the moments when words don't come easily and tears do.

Be kind to yourself afterwards

Whether we cry or not, counselling can sometimes be emotionally tiring. After a particularly emotional session, you may feel more physically or mentally drained than usual.

Whenever possible, it can be helpful to give yourself some space afterwards. That might mean having a drink, a quiet moment, going for some fresh air, or simply not rushing straight into the next demanding thing. Even a few deep breaths, or appreciating a few minutes alone as you return to work or make your way home, can give you a little space to gather yourself.

Counselling isn't about learning to have the “right” emotional response. It's about having the space to be honest about what is happening for you – whatever that looks like.